I dated the most popular boy in school but he kept me a secret

This happened to me long before the days of Normal People (Picture: BBC/Element Pictures/Hulu)

‘So tomorrow at school, I just pretend this didn’t happen?’  

I’m in Billy’s* bed, looking into his deep brown eyes, running my fingers along his defined jawline.  

His smile disappears and he sighs and shuffles away from me. I realise I’ve irritated him by asking but I can’t help it. I am in bed with the most popular guy in school and can’t tell a soul.  

‘It just wouldn’t make sense.’ Billy turns back round to me then says: ‘Why would anyone believe I’m with you?’  

A hot flush runs over my body; I feel like crying. But I say nothing else. I’m scared if I say anything, I won’t be allowed to be back in bed with him tomorrow.  

It turned out that this was the last night we spent together.

For months, I went round two or three nights a week (Picture: Getty Images)

At school, I was heavily bullied. I was awkward, with a large nose and thick rimmed glasses. No one fancied me, and at 15, that was all everyone cared about.  

What I did have, though, was comedy. I could make people laugh and feel at ease, so bullies would laugh at me, and then later laugh with me. It was confusing, but allowed me to blur the lines of ‘geek’ and ‘popular’ kid – and that was how I entered Billy’s world.

Billy was model-gorgeous. His brown eyes were lined with thick eyelashes and he had sharp, high cheekbones. He also had the sense of humour of a child so it was easy to make him laugh, and when our eyes met, I felt something. He just couldn’t possibly like me.  

He had previously dated a popular girl at school – Kelly* – who also looked like a model, but her sense of humour was non-existent. I would watch them together, as he smiled and she glared. Maybe that’s why, half way through the year, they broke up. 

Suddenly Billy was single, and bored. That’s where I came in.   

Now, when I would make a joke in his presence, his gaze lingered. I would blush and feel a panic rise.  

I changed my glasses for amber contact lenses at a time when ‘coloured lenses’ were all the rave.

Looking back, I resembled a vampire, but I guess some people found that appealing, because that’s when Billy first spoke to me – a ‘hi’ in the corridor.  

That turned into ‘Your painting was cool’, when we walked out of art class. Then came the moment that changed everything.  

When I would make a joke in his presence, his gaze lingered (Picture: Getty Images)

After school one day, down the local HMV, I saw Billy walk in. Alone. And he was walking toward me.  

An awkward hello, followed by a trip to the library together, formed some kind of sexual tension, because before I knew it, he had given me his home address and the timings his mum would be at work on night shifts. I was beyond thrilled, and as I watched him walk away, flashing his signature smile, I melted.  

I didn’t want to lose my virginity, so I promised myself I would go round just to talk and make him fall in love with me… somehow. There wasn’t a proper plan, there was just excitement.  

The first night I crept out of my bedroom window and made the five minute walk to his.  

I knocked quietly on his front door, as he had requested. He opened it wearing pyjamas and a grin, beckoning me inside. I couldn’t believe I was in his house. I felt my life change. The wedding bells, the future I wanted.  

Little did I know that in this small apartment, on a council estate, this boy would destroy my self worth.  

It was the same every time. I would get to his place at midnight and we’d make out in his bedroom before his mum returned at 4am. I was too nervous to do anything more than kissing and I don’t think he actually wanted to sleep with me.

Instead, he talked to me. About his feelings; about his dad leaving, his mum working, the classes he was failing. He talked a lot, without managing to ask me any questions.   

For months, I went round two or three nights a week – and I began to feel disappointed every day at school when he pretended he didn’t know me. No ‘hello’ in the corridor, no comments about my art – just silence.

When I told a joke, he turned away in disinterest. It felt pointed and hurt more than regular bullying. I knew him more than anyone there, why was he treating me like this?  

It didn’t take long for Billy and Kelly to get back together (Picture: Getty Images/PhotoAlto)

I brought it up during our next little get together and he apologised, saying keeping me a secret made him sad, too. The next time I asked, he looked uncomfortable and I felt his mood change.

I didn’t bring it up again until our last night together and left feeling used, crying at home. The next day at school, I made sure not to catch his eye.  

It didn’t take long for Billy and Kelly to get back together, and it was as if nothing happened between us.  

I realised I was a filler – someone in between his ‘real’ relationship who could fill his void of loneliness until he got what he wanted. He didn’t care about me, he was just bored. I never spoke to him again.  

For years after Billy, I sought validation in the wrong places with sexual and romantic connections, as I struggled with feeling unwanted and undesirable.

As I got older, I was able to break some of those patterns; when I was pulled towards someone, I interrogated myself about why I wanted to be with them and I eventually came to understand my self worth. 

The person who got anything out of that relationship was Billy – he got me, and he got my silence. I realised a relationship where someone wanted to hide me was not a healthy place to be.  

I, like everyone, deserves to be celebrated loudly and proudly. 

*Names have been changed

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