1 week ago
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An attractive man standing by the bar catches your eye. He’s funny, over 6ft, and doesn’t work in finance.
Things are going well and you’re seconds away from suggesting another round of drinks.
But then he hits you with a line so cringeworthy, you instantly develop ick-induced tonsillitis: ‘You’re dangerous’. Ew.
On social media, a number of women have confessed that this two-word phrase can totally ruin a romantic moment, with some singles on Reddit even admitting that it ‘makes [them] want to be sick’.
One user, @mothersecretary, describes it as a ‘nothingburger statement’, adding: ‘Why do guys always say this? I think they think it’s smooth but it’s so cliche. And what does that even mean?
‘I swear every guy I’ve dated ends up saying this right after we kiss and it just makes me wish I never kissed them’.
Why do women hate being called ‘dangerous’ so much?
For many women, the concept of being labelled as ‘dangerous’ immediately transports us to a badly lit scene in a 2000s romcom. Or, even worse, an episode of ‘Love Island’.
According to experts — and women online — there are two key reasons for why it’s so off-putting.
For some, it’s the notion that a woman’s so-called ‘danger’ is about to be used as an excuse for poor behaviour.
Reddit user @mleek says: ‘At worst, it’s a way to blame the woman for their incoming poor judgement. A way to negate their responsibility for their own choices and behaviour. They couldn’t help themselves’.
Sharing her equally intense distaste for the words ‘trouble’, ‘naughty’ and ‘wicked’, another woman added: ‘I really hate it when men blame women for their own thoughts and behaviour.
‘If he says something like “I can’t help myself when I am around you!” I just think, what? Are you a toddler?’
Relationship therapist Kayte Callaghan agrees.
Describing the darker side of this seemingly innocent phrase, she tells Metro: ‘It can link us to the public shaming there has been about women where they have been sexually assaulted but blamed for wearing “sexy” knickers or dressing provocatively.’
Secondly, the phrase can be frustrating as its stereotyping women, linking an individual to the feme fatal trope, regardless of whether that’s part of their actual personality, or not.
Sex and relationship therapist Sarah Berry explains: ‘The phrase is often accompanied by the reductive idea that women should be beautiful, sexy and beguiling for their lover, rather than forming a shared bond’.
Kayte agrees: ‘If someone calls you ‘trouble’ when they barely know you, they’re projecting a stereotype onto you rather than responding to who you actually are’.
And why do men think we like it?
From Chuck and Blair to Spike and Buffy, pop culture has repeatedly pushed the narrative that men prefer women who have a dark side – women that challenge them and don’t put up with bad behaviour.
Studies have even identified that certain ‘dark personality traits’ can be linked to higher levels of attractiveness.
Men may think it would be flattering to put a woman into this category. But, as Kayte notes, ‘a line that works in a film doesn’t necessarily translate into real-life intimacy’.
As soon as you’re given the ‘dangerous’ label, you may feel pressure to behave in a certain way.
‘You may start to feel as though expectations have been set up for you to be more erotic or dirty, more teasing than you want to be,’ Kayte adds.
And let’s be clear, men aren’t the only ones who fall into this trap.
On social media, there are multiple pleas for women to drop the phrase ‘bad boy’ from their vocabulary.
‘Calling someone a ‘bad boy’ might be intended as sexy,’ Kayte explains, ‘but it can feel like you’re being asked to perform a particular version of masculinity –rebellious, emotionally unavailable or slightly out of control.
‘Ultimately, most people want to feel desired for who they actually are, rather than for a character someone has created for them’.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@metro.co.uk
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