Two words from a stranger made my baby’s meltdown feel so much worse 

One comment can make or break a mum dealing with a tricky baby (Picture: Getty Images)

It’s debatable who was more red in the face: me or my three-month-old baby.

I was glowing through a mixture of panic, embarrassment and gruelling physical exertion (pushing a buggy full speed up a hill is no mean feat). He was screaming his little lungs out because, well, babies cry sometimes – even after you’ve changed them, fed them, burped them, taken the cardigan off, put the cardigan back on. 

I know this now, one year into motherhood, but on that particular day, just a few vulnerable weeks in, I felt like the biggest failure in the world. 

Which is why a small, off-hand comment from a passing stranger stung so much. 

‘Somebody’s hungry!’ said the middle-aged man getting into his car, as my son’s wails reached a crescendo I never knew was possible. 

Almost instantly, my eyes pricked with tears. But rather than give into emotion or offer a cutting response, I did what women have been trained to do during unwanted interactions for millennia: I smiled politely and walked on.

Ivana Poku, author of Motherhood – The Unspoken, has been the recipient of ‘so many’ unhelpful phrases from strangers, from ‘somebody’s tired’ to ‘you’ve got your hands full’. 

But the 41-year-old, from Fife, who is mum to eight-year-old twins Henry and Mason and three-year-old Yaw, tells Metro her pet peeve is when people try to ‘distract’ her youngest during meltdowns. 

‘They usually try to make him laugh, say “peekaboo,” or show him a toy. It’s as though they don’t realise that if distraction worked, I would have already done it myself,’ she says. ‘It drives me crazy, because that usually makes him even more angry.’

She’s also had plenty of older people stop to make small talk about their grandchildren – ‘which is nice – but not ideal when I’m dealing with a screaming child!’ she says.

Ivana Poku with her husband and twin boys (Picture: supplied)

Logically, we know that most strangers fumble these encounters despite good intentions. 

Back in the cocoon of my home, my baby soothed, I reasoned that the man getting into his car didn’t mean to suggest I had neglected my child’s needs. He didn’t know that, after a tricky start to breastfeeding, he’d stumbled upon an acutely personal and sensitive topic.

The thing is, it’s hard to be logical in the moment when your body has been biologically designed to react to your baby (research suggests a baby’s cry activates parts of the mum’s brain involved in the flight or flight response, leading to a higher heart rate, spike in blood pressure and the primal urge to act). 

I wish more people understood this, because perhaps they’d educate themselves on how to get it right.

If a bystander wants to help a parent dealing with a meltdown, practical gestures often speak louder than words. 

‘When I’m in the supermarket, if you can see that my kids are pulling stuff out from the trolley and throwing it on the floor, what would help so much more is for people to actually stop and help pick things up,’ says Ivana.

Krisha Davies, 39, from Warwickshire, has two neurodivergent children aged 10 and seven. She wants people to understand that children often ‘misbehave’ beyond the toddler years for reasons often outside of their control. 

Last year, her eldest was having a tricky day and was screaming and running away from her in the supermarket.

‘You get those looks when you know people are thinking: “She’s got no control of her children”,’ she says

‘I suppose on the outside it looks like they’re just having a tantrum over not getting their own way, or whatever it is. But in that moment, there’s nothing I can do. I can’t control the situation, and she can’t control the situation. It’s not a thing that can be controlled.’ 

Krisha, who runs the SuperMumma community and podcast, wants people to accept that ‘kids are kids’ who are ‘just learning to communicate.’

‘A lot of the time their behavior is because they’re trying to tell you something, whether it’s they’re frustrated because they didn’t get to have the toy that they wanted, or they’re upset because they’re overwhelmed by a situation,’ she says. ‘There’s normally always a meaning behind it.’

Like Ivana, she urges people to offer practical support. If in doubt, ask: ‘What can I do to help?’ 

Solidarity goes a long way too. Some of my favourite cheerleading has come from fellow mums, simply saying: ‘I’ve been there, you’re doing great.’

When someone does it get right, the memory of being helped mid-meltdown can have a lasting effect. Krisha says a kind comment she received as a new mum has stayed with her for a decade. 

‘When I had my very first daughter, she was screaming in her pram because she needed feeding, and I was in a queue in a shop,’ she recalls. ‘This old woman said: “Babies cry. It’s fine, she’s just trying to tell you something, don’t panic.”

‘It was just what I needed to hear at the moment.’

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