Self-defence classes gave me the confidence to stand up to my abuser

‘Get out of my house,’ I said firmly to my ex-partner.  

It wasn’t easy. My children were screaming; my ex was pushing and slapping me. But I was adamant.  

It was December 2023, and I was at home on the settee, feeling run down with a cold, when my ex – and the father of my children – arrived, uninvited.  

He’d been verbally and physically abusing me for years, including after we split up, and he’s very unpredictable.  

That day, he made an inappropriate comment in my house; I said I didn’t like it; and that was it. He kicked off.  

He was screaming and shouting, all while hovering over me. At one point, he pushed his head on my head, and in a flash, I remembered everything I’d recently learned with an organisation called Physical Empowerment CIC, which gave me mental, emotional and physical self-defence training.  

I pushed him back with my hand and then with my leg so I could stand up and I insisted that he leave.  

It was hard. He hit me a few times, and my children should never have seen that.

But I kept standing back up and I kept saying, ‘Get out of my house’. Eventually, he did.

I realise not everyone in my situation could – or should – respond to violence this way, but I knew in my case that I was responding in the best way I could.

This Is Not Right

On November 25, 2024 Metro launched This Is Not Right, a year-long campaign to address the relentless epidemic of violence against women.

With the help of our partners at Women's Aid, This Is Not Right aims to shine a light on the sheer scale of this national emergency.

You can find more articles here, and if you want to share your story with us, you can send us an email at [email protected].

Read more:

Introducing This Is Not Right: Metro's year-long violence against women campaign Remembering the women killed by men in 2024

And I could never have done any of that without Physical Empowerment.

I first met my ex in 2010 when I was homeless.

If I were to meet him now, I’d walk past him. But my previous partner had recently passed away, and I was walking around in a daze, wrapped up in my grief. I was an alcoholic, and I’d lost somebody I cared about – a lot.  

I was vulnerable – and I’ve since learned that perpetrators of domestic abuse look for people who feel exactly that.  

We were friends first. He was homeless, too, and we used to sit and drink together. After a while, we became boyfriend and girlfriend.  

At first, the abuse was verbal. He’d body shame me and put me down – nothing I did was good enough. 

I accidentally tipped his beer and he shoved the can in my face before smacking me in the face with it

It was a constant drip-feed of him making me feel terrible about myself. And because I was so vulnerable, I couldn’t see it.  

It wasn’t long before his abuse turned physical. He’d hit me, slap me, pull my hair or kick me.  

He was always very unpredictable. Once, I accidentally tipped his beer and he shoved the can in my face before smacking me in the face with it.  

I was always on eggshells.  

After a while, he went to prison for charges of violence against others and I managed to rent a flat. When he came out of prison after a year, he moved in with me. A few months later, I fell pregnant.  

I stopped drinking. He continued to drink and, while the physical abuse temporarily stopped, the verbal abuse continued.  

He’d emphasise that I was lucky to have him because nobody else would ever want me with my ‘issues’.  

After about eight years, he started hitting me again.  

He’d push me up against a wall, holding my chin and snarling in my face.  

In 2020, we split up. I kicked him out of my house because he’d headbutted me and one of my kids had seen it.  

But I was obliged to let him continue coming to the house to see the kids. So, even though we weren’t together, he was still very much in my space; in my head and in charge  –  especially because he’d just come round whenever he wanted, with no warning.  

In 2023, my doctor sent me on a course for my arthritis.  

There, I met someone who volunteered with Physical Empowerment.

She’d noticed that I couldn’t keep myself together – the night before, he and I had had an argument during which he had got right in my face, and the next day I was extremely upset – and she quietly suggested I get in touch with them, saying they’d changed her life.  

I managed to get to a Physical Empowerment course – and I’ve never looked back. 

I went weekly for 12 weeks, and still continue to attend follow-up sessions every week. In follow up sessions, we continue to learn self-defence, support each other and grow our sisterhood.   

The organisation uses self-defence (emotional, mental and physical) as a trauma rehabilitation tool.  

For the first few sessions, we talked about various topics such as our inner voice, what abuse is and how our bodies react to trauma, wrote and discussed together and learned some basic self-defence moves. 

In week three, a male instructor came in and helped demonstrate these moves. For the next six weeks, I learned them in weekly sessions. Then, I had the opportunity to test out what I’d learned – moves that counter the most common male on female attacks – against a male instructor. 

That felt amazing. It was scary but it ingrained into my bones and my core the knowledge that I absolutely can do something to protect my body – and my mind and soul.  

It wasn’t just the physical self-defence; the course has a holistic approach and I swear by it. Throughout, I learned that nobody has the right to hurt me, and that I have the right to take up space on this planet. I’m worth protecting, and I have the right to feel safe. 

On a day to day basis, things I learned through Physical Empowerment including: Appreciation of myself, breathing to balance my moods and help me with overwhelming feelings, putting value on my life, and a true sense of self-worth.   

It was because of learning all this that I was able to get my ex out of my house that day in December 2023.  

I then got a non-molestation order – and he’s no longer allowed in my house.  

The weeks after the court order were hard, because my kids were emotionally damaged by everything. They’d watched their mother get hurt, and they were processing the fact that their dad wasn’t coming to the house any more.  

But even while I struggled seeing them struggle, I felt free – and I still do.  

I’m now a Physical Empowerment volunteer. I help with networking and spreading the word about the courses at events; if I can help even one woman by sharing information the way someone did with me, that’s amazing.  

I help with workshops, too; it’s incredible seeing women becoming more confident in themselves and forming a sisterhood with each other.  

Thanks to Physical Empowerment, I also got the bug for training – I do Thai boxing a couple of nights a week. The course also gave me the ability to see things for what they are, rather than trying to justify other people’s behaviour all the time. I’ve learned breathing techniques to help me stay in the present, rather than dwelling in the past.  

Now, everything’s better. The house is calmer. The kids and I aren’t on eggshells – we can all be open and honest with each other, and we can all be ourselves.  

Most of all, I truly believe that nobody’s ever going to hurt me again.  

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