Reflections on a 30th Wedding Anniversary: 30 Things I’ve Learned

On September 4, 2024, my husband Jamie and I will have been married for thirty years. Unbelievable.

We didn’t notice it at the time, but our wedding date is easy to remember: 9/4/94. Very handy. At this point, we’ve lived together longer than we lived apart.

To mark this occasion, I decided to reflect on some things I’ve learned about happiness and relationships—specifically, in honor of 30 years, 30 things I’ve learned about staying happier in my relationship to Jamie. Spoiler alert: This is a very idiosyncratic list.

With Jamie, I had love at first sight. How well I remember that moment in the law library! I felt Cupid’s arrow pierce my heart. I don’t believe that everyone experiences love at first sight, or that it’s infallible, or that it always lasts forever—but I don’t think it’s a Hollywood invention.

We met, we got engaged several months later, we got married soon after that—and I thought I knew Jamie extremely well. Hah! Now that we’ve been married thirty years, I realize how little we actually knew about each other.

I feel extraordinarily fortunate that with each year that passes, I feel a deeper love for Jamie, more admiration for his great qualities, and more tolerance for his…”quirks.”

Here are 30 observations, insights, memories, and reminders I give myself:

I should go to bed angry.Don’t expect Jamie to do anything like a “happiness project.” That’s not his style, and that’s fine.Don’t underestimate the importance of the fact that we both like to get to the airport early.Grab his hand, put my arm around him, give him a hug; Jamie’s love language is “Physical Touch.”Face the fact that he’s not going to answer a lot of my texts and emails. Recognize that he’s like this with everyone, it’s not just me.Celebrate the anniversary of January 9, 2015, as the happiest day of my life—the day when Jamie was declared “cured” of the hepatitis C he got from a blood transfusion when he was eight years old.Recognize my tendency to blame Jamie when things go wrong, even when it’s not his fault.Remember that time when a nurse asked us if we were newlyweds, when in fact we’d been married for more than a decade and had two children.When I get mad about something Jamie does or doesn’t do, make the positive argument–usually, it holds. “Jamie never helps us get ready for travel” “Jamie always helps us get ready for travel.”Give Jamie a kiss every morning and every evening.Whenever possible, when making a complaint or criticism, lighten up. Using a humorous tone, an inside joke, or a callback lets me make my point, but nicely.Use written notes to give reminders to Jamie, instead of talking.Remember that Jamie is one of those Questioners who doesn’t like to answer questions. Yes, I see the irony.Every time Jamie comes and goes from the apartment, get up out of my seat to say hello or good-bye.Whenever possible, text him with funny photos or interesting news.Remember the time Jamie woke me up to see the sunrise.Jamie is really good at giving thoughtful gifts, which shows that he pays close attention to the interests and desires of the people around him.Tell him how much I admire his dedication to civic matters.Tell him how much I appreciate his love for going to the grocery store.Tell him how much I appreciate the fact that he has an encyclopedic memory for faces, names, and facts about people, as well as his surprising knowledge about a wide variety of subjects.Sometimes I get hopping mad when Jamie doesn’t “cc” me on an email or fails to give me important information—e.g., he’s committed both of us to attending an event. Remember: That’s the guy I married! Nobody’s perfect.When our daughters were little, when they were asleep, Jamie would sometimes say, “Let’s gaze lovingly,” and we’d stand together in the hallway and gaze at them through the half-opened door. It’s a beautiful memory.He worries about the people he loves; give him reassurances when he needs them, even when I find it tiring.Appreciate the fact that we both get along very well with each other’s parents.Remember that even when he doesn’t respond to some remark I’ve made, he’s listening; he’ll often act on something I’ve said without comment. (I used to assume he wasn’t paying attention because he wasn’t replying.)Jamie rarely praises me, and he rarely criticizes me.Jamie never complains about the fact that I have such a dislike of driving, even though it means that he’s stuck doing all the driving.Jamie’s great about planning adventures, buying tickets to shows, finding restaurants in interesting neighborhoods, discovering new TV shows and podcasts, and so on, and this is one way he makes our lives richer and happier.In general, and particularly as a father, Jamie worries about things that don’t worry me, and he’s not anxious about things that make me anxious—so we’re a good balance. (Some things, we both worry about!)As a Questioner, Jamie won’t do something unless he thinks it makes sense. When sometimes this behavior annoys annoys me, I remind myself how helpful this attitude often is.

Thirty years ago, in our wedding ceremony, we included the poem “Hummingbird/For Tess” by Raymond Carver. It seems appropriate for a 30th anniversary, too:

Suppose I say summer,
write the word “hummingbird,”
put it in an envelope,
take it down the hill
to the box. When you open
my letter you will recall
those days and how much,
just how much, I love you.

Also, if you like, you can hear me read the very short and beautiful story “I Was Trying to Describe You to Someone” by Richard Brautigan, which was also read during our wedding ceremony.

I just decided that in honor of this day, I’m going to go look at our wedding album. It’s been a while since I pulled it off the shelf. I’ll ask Jamie if he wants to look, too.