My twisted father said he abused me because my mother didn’t satisfy him

It was all so confusing. I knew it wasn’t OK; but at the same time, he’d say ‘You know I would never do anything to hurt you’ (Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto)

As I watched my biological mother brutally beating one of my siblings, I thought: ‘Maybe this is a joke’.

It wasn’t but I was six years old. I didn’t understand what was happening.

My sister was screaming and crying, but nobody was doing anything.

I had no idea, then, that I was facing years of physical, mental and sexual abuse at the hands of my biological parents.

I was poorly as a child, having been born sick in 1982 – I needed injections three times a week at a hospital, something my biological parents couldn’t afford, so I was fostered at 11 months old.

The woman I always refer to as my mum took me in. She was married, with four children. I was so happy with her – there was love, laughter and safety.

When I was six, my mum applied to adopt me. But my biological parents instantly said ‘no’ and came to take me home with them.

My mum pleaded with them, telling them how unsettling this would be for me – but they didn’t listen. I don’t know why they were so insistent.

I was both confused and terrified.

My biological parents already had four children – and from the offset, it was an abusive environment.

My mother would hit and beat all of us – I think she was a very angry person.

It was almost as if she hoped one of us would give her a ‘reason’ to beat us. ‘You looked at me in this way’; ‘You didn’t want to help me’. 

Once, I said I didn’t want to go and see some family friends because I didn’t feel well. She told everyone else to wait in the car – and my sister said she could hear me screaming from outside. We lived in a seventh floor flat.

My mother would use ‘tools’, like carpet beaters, to harm us (Credits: Getty Images)

My bottom lip virtually disappeared, because my mother had busted it open.

I still have a little piece of my ear missing, because she would bite it sometimes, and she’d use ‘tools’, like carpet beaters.

Fortunately, my mum and I never lost touch. She promised she would always come and pick me up during the school holidays and she kept that promise – no matter how many days I had off from school, I’d spend them with her.

But then I’d have to go back to my biological family.

Throughout my childhood, I had nightmares, wet the bed and spent a lot of time in tears.

My father didn’t hit us, but he would brutally attack my mother. I’d almost be relieved when they argued – because if they were arguing, they weren’t focusing on us.

He also gave me a lot of unwanted attention.

Throughout my childhood, I had nightmares, wet the bed and spent a lot of time in tears (Picture: Getty Images)

He’d give me very long hugs, and would say things like, ‘Come and sit on my lap’; ‘Come and give me a kiss’.

I think my siblings felt jealous, because there was always rivalry to feel any sort of love from our biological parents. But eventually, we realised there was strength to be found if we stuck together. We promised we’d never ‘tell’ on one another.

As I got older, the sexual abuse by my father got worse – but it was a long time before I truly realised what had been happening.

My biological parents would talk about sex very crudely in front of us; how my mother couldn’t satisfy my father, how he’d need to look for sex elsewhere. 

But sex was also ‘taboo’. We weren’t allowed to sit with male friends, or even watch a kiss on TV. So I grew up very unaware of what was, and wasn’t, OK.

When I was 16, my mother and sisters went away to prepare for a family wedding, leaving me and my father alone in the flat for a few days before I joined them. He abused me on a daily basis.

I managed to get away by locking myself in the bathroom (Picture: Getty Images / Westend61)

I hated waking up. He’d come into my room and kiss me on the lips and touch my breast. He’d say things like ‘your mother made me do it, because you look so much like her’.

Ultimately, he attempted to rape me. I managed to get away by locking myself in the bathroom for… I don’t know how long.

It was all so confusing. I knew it wasn’t OK; but at the same time, he’d say, ‘You know I would never do anything to hurt you’. For a while, I even put it out of my mind – I didn’t feel I deserved to be heard, or believed, or loved.

My father would force me to look at myself in the mirror with no clothes on, saying things like ‘You’re so beautiful’ – and then he’d tell me that my biological mother had denied him sex. ‘What else am I supposed to do?’ he’d ask.

When I was 17, I moved out to live with one of my biological siblings, who was married but it took a long time for me to understand what had been done to me.

After I moved out, I started spiralling. I didn’t feel able to tell anyone about the abuse; not even my mum. I knew something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t put a name to it – and I felt a huge amount of self-loathing.

I couldn’t be near a full-length mirror; I couldn’t look at myself with clothes on, let alone without. I developed an eating disorder and I self-harmed, too.

When I was 19, I moved to the UK to study, where I met and married my former husband. His parents were very loving, and I think I just wanted to belong to a family like that.

My eating disorder continued for over two decades, and I continued self-harming while I was married. 

My marriage started to crumble but throughout, I saw and experienced family love that was natural and pure. And I started to understand that what had been done to me wasn’t right. What my father had done was a crime.

I spent a long time feeling alone and abandoned; prayer really helped (Picture: Getty Images)

With my in-laws’ support, I found the strength to report him to the police. He was arrested and charged with multiple other counts of similar allegations – but he didn’t go to jail.

After that, I hit rock bottom. My marriage ended when I was 28 and, for a while, I had no support. I kept in touch with my mum daily when in the UK, and saw her several times per year; we were incredibly close but I didn’t want to worry her.

I felt that my biological siblings had turned against me. After my father’s court case, I completely cut ties with my biological family.

Eventually, I sought therapy, which was transformational. I learned to talk, and share, and find the small wins in every day, even ‘You woke up today, well done’.

I prayed a lot during this time, too. My faith in God had never wavered, but I spent a long time feeling alone and abandoned. Prayer really helped.

I met my now-husband when I was 29, and we’re very happy. We have two wonderful children; I have a fantastic job; and I love my life.

Now, I’m thankful for the trials I’ve been through. If my life had been different, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

For anyone else who’s at rock bottom as a result of abuse, the key for me was forgiveness. This doesn’t justify or minimise what’s been done to us but if we forgive, it doesn’t hold us down any more, or define who we are.

Also, my mum always said ‘gratitude is the key to happiness’, and I firmly believe it. I wake up every day with a thankful heart for a day of life.

Ultimately, what it really comes down to is: We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. If you find that strength and channel it into something good, you can change the world.

As told to Izzie Price