My elderly husband hasn’t touched me in years — can I leave him for my younger lover?

She’s starting to resent her older husband (Picture: Metro.co.uk/Getty)

Age gap relationships often come under scrutiny, and while they can work, they’re not without their challenges. 

In this week’s sex column, we hear from a reader who married a man 25 years older than her.

While she didn’t think much of the gap at the time, 20 years later, she’s starting to feel the pressure of her husband’s health declining – and now, she’s embarked on an affair.

Torn between the guilt of leaving her older husband, and the excitement she feels with her younger lover, she’s beginning to question everything. 

Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s column about a woman who has taken a job at a sex hotline, but is keeping it a secret from her husband. 

The problem: 

When I was in my late twenties, I married an older man who was then in his fifties. People warned me that an age gap of 25 years was too much, but of course, I didn’t listen, and for over 20 years, things were very good between us. 

Unfortunately, he is now in his late seventies and has many ailments, which I find hard to cope with. He is still mentally sharp but has severe arthritis which makes it hard for him to walk, and this means we don’t often go out. We do have friends over for dinner, I have to do all the work and am starting to resent it. 

We haven’t had sex for years, and he sleeps in a bedroom on the ground floor so that he doesn’t have to use the stairs. 

I don’t think you’ll be surprised to learn that I’ve been having an affair with a guy I totally adore, and I’ve reached the point where I really want to leave my husband.

My lover is five years younger than me and the difference between him and my partner is like night and day. We have such fun together and although I use the excuse that I’m seeing female friends, I think deep down my husband must know there’s someone else. 

We have no children, though he has children and grandchildren from his first marriage, who visit regularly. I know I wouldn’t be leaving him totally alone, as he has love and support from the rest of his family. 

Of course I feel bad about cheating, but I feel so unhappy and trapped in my marriage. Surely you can’t stay with someone just out of guilt? 

The advice: 

No, I don’t think you should stay with someone through guilt, if you’ve fallen out of love. But one thing you do have to face is that both options – staying or leaving – are going to be painful. 

If you stay, you’ll doubtless continue to cheat, and resent acting as carer to your husband. It’s hard to see who will benefit. 

If you leave for your younger lover, it’s likely to be a challenging and unhappy time, when many people will turn against you.  

You’re in a very difficult position but if you decide to go ahead and leave, read the plentiful advice online about breaking up with a partner with additional needs (there are many people facing similar situations). Put the affair on hold while you sort out your future, and don’t openly blame your husband’s age or illness – he will have his own thoughts on what’s behind your decision. 

In an ideal world, you’d stay on friendly terms, and continue to visit and support him after you separate. If that seems unlikely, don’t get involved in nastiness, however upset you feel. It won’t help. 

Difficult though it will be, you should also talk to your step-family about your intentions. They may need to get more involved in your husband’s life, as he’s likely to struggle without you. You should also check with your local social services, to find out whether he’s entitled to any additional assistance. 

There’s no easy solution to your problem but whatever you decide, keep decency and integrity at the forefront of everything you do. That’s the least your husband deserves. 

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

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