My child came out as trans – I wish I reacted differently

When Rohan (right) came out, it honestly felt like my world had fallen apart (Picture: Maria Harron)

It had started as an ordinary Friday night with my husband Damien.

Then my child texted. 

Damien read it aloud – it said our child would now like to be called Rohan and referred to as our son. 

I was in shock. I didn’t know what to do, so I burst into tears and tried to pretend things would go back to normal in the morning. 

This was in January 2022 when Rohan was just 18 and it honestly felt like my world had fallen apart. 

Over the next few weeks I felt so many negative emotions, including anger, guilt, sadness, and worry. I found myself searching for signs I had missed in my memories of Rohan as a child, and whether I could have done things differently. 

In the years leading up to this text, we were in lockdown and Rohan found it really hard to be stuck at home. He had just started at a new college and should have been meeting new people and being a typical 17-year-old. 

He began experimenting with baggy clothes and even shaved his head – I wanted to support him with his mental health struggles, but I wasn’t sure how. He seemed so unhappy.

Rohan had moved out of the house four months prior to study at university.

When he came out to us, it felt like I had no idea how to handle things. I had never lived with a teenage son and I didn’t know how to do it. I struggled to talk to Rohan during this time.

Luckily, Damien found it easier to adjust.

In those early days, I couldn’t understand his feelings or what he was going through (Picture: Maria Harron)

Rohan had firm plans on his next steps – legally changing his name and starting to medically transition.

It felt like it was all moving too fast for me, but Damien made sure he told me everything they discussed, and sometimes I just listened in on their phone calls. I began to adjust to hearing my son again.

Gradually, I began to text Rohan, explaining we needed to take this very slow, and then finally, we had a conversation. I told him that I was sorry for my inability to speak to him, but I needed to take everything gradually. 

It was good to talk to Rohan so openly. It felt the same as it always had done – I was still talking to the child I always knew – but different in so many ways. 

Where my son had been struggling so much with his mental health previously, he was now excited about the future. 

I wanted my son to be happy, and that was by far the most important thing to me (Picture: Maria Harron)

Over time, we practised using Rohan’s new name and pronouns – with many, many mistakes along the way. 

In those early days, I couldn’t understand his feelings or what he was going through. 

In fact, the more I thought about it, the harder it got. But when I realised I will never truly understand – because I am not trans – I began to accept it. 

That’s when things got better.

I had to find the courage to message groups of family and friends, a few at a time. 

It was so hard and I was so surprised when everyone messaged back with so much love. With each new message of support, I began to realise that Rohan’s identity was something to celebrate rather than be embarrassed about.  

Even my mum agreed to call him Rohan, and used ‘he’ instead of ‘she’. I was so happy that she could welcome her new grandson into the family with ease. 

Rohan is a confident, handsome young man that I am proud to have as my son (Picture: Maria Harron)

Around a month after Rohan came out, I found out one of my colleagues also had a trans son too – he and his family were almost a year ahead of us in their journey with his transition. We met for coffee and chatted, cried a lot, and laughed. 

It was such a relief to have someone as a support. We could support each other whenever we needed it with a quick text, a hug when we saw each other, and great chats.

I gradually began to realise that – yes, I was finding it hard to tell people, but what would it have been like for Rohan? How did he feel? How confused had he been? How long had he struggled with who he is? 

That’s when I tried to think less about me and more about my son! I knew he had been finding the latter teenage years difficult but I realised it was far harder than I could ever imagine. 

I wanted my son to be happy, and that was by far the most important thing to me.   

Today, I am so proud of what Rohan has achieved. He is a confident, handsome young man that I am proud to have as my son. 

Nothing is more valuable than a parent who is open and willing to learn about their child (Picture: Maria Harron)

Rohan is back at university after taking some time out from studying and moving back home to adjust to a new version of life. He is now very settled, and happy with a lovely girlfriend. 

Our bond is actually stronger, as he now knows who he is and can be himself. 

Rohan became an ambassador for Just Like Us – a charity supporting young LGBTQ+ people – where he would get the chance to tell others his story.

He told me about Just Like Us’s LGBT+ Guide for Parents – an invaluable resource for parents to have that one document that has all the information you need about information and terminology.

Nothing is more valuable than a parent who is open and willing to learn about their child.  

Support at home for young trans people is so important because parents are a huge part of their child’s life. At the end of the day, your child is the same child regardless of their name, how they present themselves, or who they love. 

It has been a hard journey – not just for me accepting this, but an incredibly hard journey for Rohan. I cannot imagine what he has gone through, but the least I can do is help him be himself.   

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