My boyfriend’s abuse turned physical when I was 24 weeks pregnant

Adam* and I met on a dating site in November 2020, when I was 32. 

It was clear that he wanted a committed relationship and, at first, he seemed perfect: loving, romantic and generous, always paying for everything or buying me gifts, flowers and chocolates. 

Things moved fast. We spent Christmas with his family in 2021, and though I didn’t know it at the time, I fell pregnant. 

Everything started going downhill around a month into our relationship. 

Looking back, I recognise that Adam was lovebombing me and those qualities I’d thought were chivalrous – paying for everything, deciding where we went and what we did – quickly became unnerving as I realised he always had to be in control. 

He put pressure on me to spend more and more nights at his as he never liked staying at mine; the first time he did, he left at 5:00am saying he couldn’t sleep. 

I was constantly trying to keep the peace and Adam used this to his advantage, blowing hot and cold

Then, I started to notice how much he drank, particularly on Saturdays, which meant I never knew what behaviour or mood to expect. Instead of feeling excited about time together, I felt increasingly anxious. When I wasn’t with him, I felt like I could relax again – but I never knew why. That’s how insidious his behaviour was. 

Then came the arguments. The first time we rowed, we’d been talking about our first date: He said at the time that he’d never been to the pub we visited, but later, told me he had. I’d had an intuitive hunch he’d known the barmaid by the way she was acting around us and talking to me. 

Adam got defensive and angry, and made out that I was crazy, so I dropped it. When we made up, he looked at me and said, ‘Did we just have our first fight?’ and pulled me into a hug saying, ‘Come here, then’, like it didn’t matter. He never apologised or acknowledged my feelings.

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It wasn’t long before Adam and I were fighting weekly. He would say or do something to upset me or just be sulky but if I brought it up or stood up for myself, things would escalate, and he’d accuse me of being moody.

When we realised I was pregnant, things didn’t improve. I never got a chance to relax and enjoy my pregnancy. I was constantly trying to keep the peace and Adam used this to his advantage, blowing hot and cold. 

Rather than confronting the situation and communicating, I would shut down, go home or distance myself only for Adam to start calling or texting – without any concession of how he’d behaved. Instead, Adam would demand to know what was wrong with me and why I was being ‘weird’ or ‘funny’.  

There was no understanding that he might be responsible. I was just dancing to his tune.

On Easter Weekend 2021, my dad came for dinner. Adam was off all evening but being polite. When Dad left, Adam said he’d had a terrible evening and began picking on stuff that Dad or I had said – just to cause an argument.   

The next morning, having laid awake all night next to him, I left for my mum’s and I knew something needed to change. 

A few days later, Mum told me about the For Baby Sake Trust radio adverts she’d heard and suggested I get in touch. They’re an organisation that aims to break the cycle of domestic abuse by offering trauma-informed, therapeutic support to both parents, while keeping the baby’s wellbeing at the heart of everything they do – even if, as in my case, the baby is yet to be born.

Desperate to see if they could help me, I emailed them – and thankfully they responded quickly and warmly by calling me the next day. 

Once Adam and I made up after that fight at Easter, I told him I’d like us to do the For Baby’s Sake programme. 

He wasn’t keen but ultimately agreed on the condition that we take part as a couple, rather than as separated co-parents. This reassured me that he was willing to take responsibility and make changes for us and our baby. 

We started by having separate, weekly meet-ups with our dedicated therapeutic practitioners who gave us one-on-one support. Gradually, we learned how to build safe, healthy relationships. I felt free to express myself and share what I was feeling.

We also did a lot of reflective work, like discussing my relationships with my parents and how that influenced me – and then taking the reflections and thinking, ‘How do I want to turn things around from here? What aspects of my upbringing do I want to keep; what do I want to mentally throw away?’. 

The final part involved completing activities, like affirmations, creative writing, meditation and breathwork, in our spare time. It helped challenge my core beliefs about what I deserved. I realised I’m unique and have so many wonderful things to share; that I can make empowered decisions, and that I can be the parent to my son I always wanted to be.

Adam, however, never took it seriously and sadly, when I was about 24 weeks pregnant, his abuse became physical. 

Trying to break the toxic pattern between us, I stopped going over as much. He wanted to make me feel guilty and as I’d stopped reacting to his emotional blackmail, he became more frustrated. He knew he was losing control of me, and that angered him. He began pushing and shoving me, throwing things at me and putting his hand in my face when I was talking. 

By the time I was seven months pregnant, the physical abuse became more frequent. Once, he pushed me, I fell over and damaged my ankle. Another time, he grabbed me and broke a necklace around my neck. 

I eventually told my therapeutic practitioner and she informed social services. I knew this would happen and it would be the definitive end of my relationship.

Adam subsequently disengaged from the For Baby’s Sake Trust programme. He joined one group call after my son was born, with his For Baby’s Sake practitioner, then dropped off.

Despite my attempts to be civil and leave the door open for him to be a part of our son’s life, he didn’t like the fact that he wasn’t in control of the situation. I changed my number.  

Adam now pays child maintenance support but we have no contact, and he’s never seen his son. 

I’m doing a lot better. I still suffer from anxiety and ‘low spells’, but I can handle it. I feel so much more empowered and in control of my life. 

I implement self-care rituals like breathing exercises that give me a moment to check in and think about how I am feeling and why. I can step away and assess a situation before responding in a way that is positive and emotionally nourishing for both me and my son. I can be a role model and mother, so that my son grows up knowing how to handle negative emotions and self-regulate. 

I love that I can raise my son on my own terms, which would not have happened if Adam had stuck around. In a way, it’s a blessing that he walked away; otherwise, life would be a constant battle. 

As it is, my son is confident, happy, cheeky and emotionally stable. I’m so pleased things turned out the way they did. 

*Names have been changed 

As told to Izzie Price

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