3 months ago
15 
Ever since my husband and I began toilet training our youngest son William, life has felt a little like groundhog day.
It usually starts with a firm, loud, ‘No!’.
Then there’s the running away, followed by the reddening of the cheeks until finally, the screaming and tears start.
Such a reaction from our 2-year-old is typically reserved for something really ‘outrageous’ like asking him to wear a hat outdoors or to have a second portion of broccoli, but not lately.
Instead, his daily meltdown is all because we gently, politely, and hopefully keep suggesting that he might like to sit on the potty.
In fact, it’s become such a battle in our household that I now find myself torn on the subject of potty training completely.
On the one hand I don’t want to be mum-shamed for having a child that’s approaching three and is still in nappies. But on the other, our son has made it clear he’s not interested, and that it makes him feel distressed so I don’t want to force him or make him feel uncomfortable.
So where do I go from here?
Before you start sending unsolicited advice my way, let me just say this: We have done it before.
When our eldest was two, we noticed he liked to do his business after coming home from nursery, so it was pretty easy to intervene. After picking him up at the end of the day, rather than waiting until he needed his nappy changed, we simply started sitting him on the potty.
Luckily, he took to it straight away, so it became part of our daily routine. That summer, when he was around two and a half, we used our summer holiday in Greece to let him roam around without a nappy to get him even more used to the idea of going to the toilet.
By the time he was three, he was only using nappies at night, which we managed to phase out when he was three and a half.
So, naturally, when our youngest turned two last year, we tried to repeat the process, and, at first, he had a three week streak where he used the potty, not just successfully, but almost habitually.
He basked in the praise we showered on him, and so we had a smug moment where we thought we had potty training cracked.
And then the obstinance set in.
I’m not sure what caused the switch. It could be that the novelty wore off and he came to the realisation that he would have to do it every day.
For all I know it was the simple fact that, as he gets bigger, he’s discovering where he can assert himself and this is the hill he has chosen not to wee on, figuratively speaking.
While we don’t fully subscribe to the philosophy of gentle parenting – which encourages parents to take the lead from their children – we do like to give our children choices where possible.
So, instead of pressing the matter too forcefully, we will be more diplomatic, and do things like highlight when any one of us, including his older brother, is going to the toilet, and suggest he could join.
Of course, we’ve also tried other proven techniques – colourful potty songs, sticker charts and bribing him with screen time and snacks to get him back in the habit – but he’s refused the lot.
What doesn’t help is that our nursery only supports with potty training when the children reach the kindergarten room, as they don’t have enough space to do this in the toddler room.
While I’m not saying it’s the nursery staff’s responsibility to do this, rather than it being mine and my husband’s, surely it would make more sense to go all in on toilet training when the expectations are the same in both environments?
Instead, I’ve had to accept that he simply doesn’t want to be potty trained at this moment in time and, as his mum, I’m not going to turn what is an important milestone into a source of trauma and negativity by continuing to push it at this stage.
Sadly though, that decision gets a lot of pushback from other mums.
I’ve heard ‘perfect parents’ boast about the time consuming techniques they used to potty train their babies at five months old.
I’ve seen the scaremongering articles that say if you don’t start potty training your child from the age of two, they’ll end up going to school in nappies – which, according to the charity Kindred, is happening to 25% of children in England and Wales.
Yet all these comments, digs, and studies achieve is in making me feel like I’ve failed as a mum. It’s ridiculous and I wish we’d stop with all the comparisons.
As mums we’re already judged for so much: For using formula instead of breastfeeding, for going back to work or not, for not ‘bouncing back’ to our pre-baby bodies and on what we feed our kids. Surely that’s enough without adding a child’s ability to ‘go potty’ to the list?
That’s why, when I see other school mums with children around my youngest’s age, and even slightly older, still in nappies, I don’t judge. Rather, I empathise as to why that might be, based on my own situation.
It’s also why, rather than feel frustrated by our false start, I’m looking for the positives and focusing on all of my toddler’s other achievements, instead of letting them be overshadowed by one part of his development.
So what if he’s still in nappies? He’s blown us away by the skills, speed and confidence he’s shown on his balance bike and is excelling in his weekly swimming lessons.
He also has an incredible vocabulary, he sleeps through the night and has a great appetite for lots of healthy food.
Yes, he’ll have to learn eventually. But I want him to do it in his own time, when he’s ready.
I know that day will come because a friend of mine has only just potty trained her youngest son, who turned three earlier this year.
She made the point that by starting too soon, the process can just drag on unnecessarily and that, actually, by waiting until he was a bit older and more ready, he was able to be more enthusiastic about it and that, within a couple of months, he’d mastered it.
That’s all I want for my son. It’s everyone else that needs to let it go.
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