I slept with my friend’s ex – she was thrilled

My friend didn’t just sanction my sexual escapade with her ex – she set it up (Picture: Rachel Adams)

‘Did I really just have sex with this man?’

This is the question I asked myself as I stared up at the ceiling and pondered my fun but utterly bizarre evening with my date, Travis.*

He was quietly snoring in the bed next to me and clearly had no qualms about the wild shag we’d just enjoyed.

Normally, I wouldn’t either but Travis wasn’t just any lover – he was my friend Amelia’s* ex.

Don’t grab the pitchforks and torches to come after me just yet as, technically, I hadn’t done anything wrong. Amelia, who I have been friends with for many years, didn’t just sanction our sexual escapade – she set it up.

I had been at her flat a few days earlier when Travis turned up to say a quick hello and there was an obvious spark between us.

So after he left, Amelia casually asked if I fancied his number.

I didn’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings so I hesitated at first, but she reassured me that there were no feelings between them whatsoever.

When it comes to sex, things are rarely simple (Picture: Rachel Adams)

With my friend’s blessing secured, around 48 hours later, Travis and I got down and dirty at his place after enjoying a few drinks.

When I tell people about this experience, most of them react in the same way – with shock, and a little judgement. 

Sleeping with a friend’s ex is often considered a line you should never overstep and once upon a time, I would have agreed with you.

But as I’ve grown older and more experienced, I’ve realised that when it comes to sex, things are rarely that simple. 

A very long time ago, when I was in my 20s, I was going through a tough time after a messy ‘situationship’. My friend Asher*, who I’d known for years, was my rock during this time, offering moral support and a shoulder to cry on. 

We had never considered dating each other but suddenly, something shifted, and we ended up in bed. 

I’ve even set up friends with my own exes (Picture: Rachel Adams)

I then went on holiday for a few weeks, so I had time to ponder whether we should make a real go of it, to see if it might be love, rather than lust. 

So you can imagine my surprise when, as I returned home, I found out that Asher had slept with one of our mutual friends.

I was upset at first – but my anger dissipated when both of them explained that this wasn’t about sex; in a short space of time they had developed real feelings for each other.

While Asher wasn’t my ex as such, this was the first time I’d been in a situation of this kind – and it was an enlightening experience. Deep down, I knew that my friends hadn’t set out to hurt me. Besides, who the hell was I to stand in the way of fate?

I’m thrilled to tell you that this couple are still together and happier than ever.

If you fancy a friend’s ex, tread gently (Picture: Rachel Adams)

In the years since, I’ve even set up friends with my own exes – like Denny*.

Our own romance didn’t last long because it simply wasn’t meant to be but over time, we became the best of friends.

So when I saw Denny struggling in his dating life, I decided to introduce him to Lola,* another friend of mine.

I told Lola that I had both dated and had sex with Denny in the past, and she was cool with it.

Honesty is paramount if you’re hooking someone up with your ex, so don’t downplay or hide any details that you think the other person should be aware of – such as, if your ex is only into casual sex right now or exaggerating their compatibility as a potential couple.

Plus, Denny and I dated over a decade ago, and our bond as mates is solid, so I was never worried about what might happen between him and Lola.

And if you’re on the other foot and fancy a friend’s ex, tread gently.

The most important rule is to always consider how serious the couple were – and how long it’s been since they split up. And ask them about that, don’t just assume. What you thought from the outside was your friend enjoying a casual shag with someone might in fact have meant much more. 

There are a few men from my past that I would never want my friends to date (Picture: Rachel Adams)

I would never risk a friendship if I thought there was even a residue of romantic feelings.

Be aware that unexpected jealousy can rear its ugly head, too. 

Make sure that you are fully comfortable with the potential consequences of setting someone up as old feelings could resurface, and you could also be held ‘responsible’ if one party acts badly.

Respect that some exes will remain off-limits forever. Hooking up with someone’s long-ago or casual ex is one thing but trying it on with someone’s recently divorced ex-husband or wife is quite another.

There are a few men from my past that I would never want my friends to date or sleep with for several reasons.

After I slept with Amelia’s ex, our friendship is just as strong as ever (Picture: Rachel Adams)

One of them was my ‘first love’ and while I no longer harbour any feelings for him – and rarely think about him – I simply don’t want to see this man with anyone I know. It could also mean he would re-enter my life, which I don’t want.

As for my dalliance with Travis, I recently caught up with Amelia about this.

She had all but forgotten that either of us had slept with him and found the whole thing hilarious.

‘All I remember is that he was s**t in bed,’ she joked.

I actually remembered the sex with Travis to be pretty decent – but that’s how it goes sometimes.

Suffice to say, our friendship is just as strong as ever.

*Name has been changed

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