I refused to fund my stepmother’s luxurious lifestyle when my dad died

There was only one problem – she never warmed to me (Picture: Getty Images)

When my dad married a woman 20 years his junior, more than anything, I was relieved – he finally had someone.  

Little did I know, my dad’s new love would lead to me losing my entire family.  

My mum died when I was 15 – a sad, slow rending of our family thanks to a long-term disease.   

After that, it was just me, my younger brother, Ross*, and my dad – though, it didn’t take long before he rebounded into the arms of Belinda*, a woman he’d met at work. 

They married a year after mum had passed away, but unsurprisingly, their marriage didn’t last. It died in anger and recriminations not long after my half-brother, Mikey*, was born. 

Over the next few years, dad dated a lot of women until he finally found Tamara*. She brought adorable, five-year-old Lily*, her daughter from a previous marriage, into our family and holidays became even larger, more festive and fun. 

There was only one problem – she never warmed to me. 

Though she made a huge effort to get to know my brothers, she never seemed to want anything to do with me.  

She’d organise family photo days and ‘forget’ to invite me or throw dinner parties that excluded me. Sometimes, she’d purposely plan events and celebrations knowing I was away. 

It’s not like I didn’t try with her either. I’d try to make conversation but it would dry up after the initial, ‘Hi, how are you? You look lovely.’ It quickly became clear that she didn’t want to build a relationship with me. 

I flagged my concerns with my siblings, but they also refused to listen (Picture: Getty Images)

Tamara stopped working as a corporate legal advisor soon after marrying Dad and while I didn’t have an issue with this at first – Lily was young, and Dad was doing well at his job as a business analyst – I soon felt like she was taking liberties. 

She never went back to work, not even after Lily left home at 19 and Dad lost his job. Instead she stayed at home spending dad’s hard earned money on designer clothes and homewares while he broke himself in two looking for work at 60. 

As the years rolled past, each time I saw him, he looked greyer and more worn out. It infuriated me.  

But when I raised my concerns with Dad, he waved it off, saying she was delicate and he was just fine. In the end, I had to stop talking to him about it as it was driving a wedge between us. 

Looking for support elsewhere, I flagged my concerns with my siblings, but they also refused to listen. The narrative was that I was ‘difficult’ and ‘dramatic’. I was the problem. 

No matter what I did or said, they simply didn’t (or wouldn’t) see Tamara the way I did. Their relationships with her were close and they agreed with Dad – she was delicate, fragile. 

Even after Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2020, he didn’t stop working. He had surgery and had no choice but to keep on going because Tamara had spent all their savings.  

I predicted that Tamara would expect me and my siblings to fund her lifestyle now that Dad was gone (Picture: Getty Images)

And still, she didn’t get off her entitled behind and help out. No, that fell to me and my siblings, none of whom had a bad word to say about her. It baffled me. 

Then, one night in 2021, I got a call from Tamara. She was hysterical. Dad had collapsed.  

I raced over to his house at 2am, begging the universe, God, anything, to let him be OK. When I arrived I pumped his chest. Tamara was also there, crying and patting his arm ineffectually. 

I did that for 45 minutes until the ambulance finally arrived. But when they did, I knew from their expressions it was too late. Dad was gone. 

Organising the funeral service and contacting family members all fell to me. But between the paperwork and grief I was also silently worried about what came next.  

I predicted that Tamara would expect me and my siblings to fund her lifestyle now that Dad was gone. Sadly, I was right.   

Within two months of the funeral – two months where I kindly paid for her food, rent and other needs – Tamara sent me an email with an itemised list of her bills and her new bank account. She had even included a shopping allowance. 

I was incensed. Tamara had treated me like an outsider for years but now she expected to give her money?  It would be laughable if it wasn’t so enraging. 

Not only was I working as an office manager at the time, and therefore not earning nearly enough to support her, I was barely coping myself as a single mum in the middle of a divorce.  

So, unsurprisingly, I said no –  it was not my job to fund her life. 

I told Ross, Mikey and Lily to do the same thing when she asked them – Dad hadn’t left anything behind in the way of inheritance, except the debt she’d incurred – but they refused. 

In fact, all three of them were furious at me for saying no to her. Mikey called me toxic and shameful and Ross and Lily agreed. 

‘How could I treat family like this?’ they asked. But the answer was simple. 

Tamara isn’t, and never was my mother; mine died when I was 15. I also don’t see marriage as instant family, it’s in the actions, and my stepmother’s behaviour towards me was not that of family.   

I endured endless calls and rambling emails listing my faults and demanding I rethink my views. But I wasn’t changing my stance. Ever.  

Tamara isn’t, and never was my mother; mine died when I was 15

I truly believe Tamara caused my father’s death. She watched him work himself to the edge of exhaustion and did nothing. He died a pauper’s death and deserved so much better. Yet nobody saw Tamara for who she really was. 

Eventually, I had to cut contact. No husband, no siblings, no family.   

While it’s brought me peace in some ways (because I don’t have to deal with that woman anymore), the worst part was how I suddenly didn’t have emergency contacts anymore.  

My daughter also suffered. She suddenly wasn’t being invited to loud and raucous family Christmases anymore and didn’t understand why. She blamed me, but she was too young to understand the dynamics. I sent emails begging them to include her, but they went ignored.  

And though my friends have stepped up, a weird kind of loneliness that made me feel adrift has remained. I have grieved the loss of an entire unit, not just my dad.  

Two years have passed now and in that time, Tamara has been living off money given to her by Mikey and Ross – Lily isn’t earning enough yet. Her Facebook is full of photos of her travelling to Miami, staying in nice London hotels and eating croissants in cafes across Europe. I wish I hadn’t been so right about her.   

As for me, I miss everyone terribly, but I also feel free. 

I stepped away from being treated as if my emotions and thoughts weren’t important, and I have a happier, healthier life as a result. 

I’m married now, to an amazing woman, and my daughter has forgiven me. I’ve also forgiven myself, just a little bit, for not fighting harder for Dad. And just last week, Ross sent me a message asking if we could have a coffee.   

There’s hope, but either way, I have no regrets in choosing myself. 

*Names have been changed.

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