I’m married but I want a future with my lover back in Africa

Middle aged African american businessman waiting at airport and holding coffee in a paper cup

DEAR DEIDRE: I’M an African living with my partner in the UK and I have a lover back in my hometown. We’ve been keeping this a secret but I’m worried about it.

I’m a man of 42 and I have four kids with my partner who is 39. I recently went home for a friend’s wedding and ran into my school sweetheart.

Her husband passed away and she has five kids to bring up alone. She’s 40. We spent a lot of time together while I was at home and we ended up having sex a few times.

She wants a future with me and we’ve talked about me going back to Africa. My partner doesn’t have a clue what I got up to when I was on holiday.

Is it normal to hide relationships like this? In Africa, a man can have many wives.

DEIDRE SAYS: Polygamy (having more than one wife or husband) is illegal in the UK. 

The fact that you’ve written in suggests that you aren’t comfortable with the situation.

You have four children who look up to you as a role model. Do you want to be a stepfather to another five kids?

Your lover in Africa may be looking for more than just sex which may have financial implications.

If you want to consider an open relationship with your wife you need to be able to trust each other and be excellent communicators – having a secret relationship suggests this won’t work for you. 

My support pack Non-monogamy explains more.

MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE

SEX STRESS

My boyfriend won't have sex with me - is he just shy?

DEIDRE'S STORIES

Freya's flatmate let's her boyfriend overstay his welcome