I’m happily married, but I can’t stop having phone sex with my old school friend

She knows she needs to stop but doesn’t know how (Picture: Getty/ Metro)

Does cheating always have to be physical? That’s the question one reader is grappling with in this week’s Sex Column.

She’s found herself talking dirty on the phone to an old school friend – and enjoying it far more than she expected. 

The digital affair has been going on for months, while her unsuspecting husband works away from home. Now the former classmate wants to meet up in person, but she’s not sure whether she wants to cross that line. 

Read the advice below, but before you go, make sure to read last week’s column, where a reader has been witnessing a family affair (literally) from his doorstep. 

The problem: 

I’m in my early 30s and have been happily married for six years. My husband and I don’t have children yet, although that is on the agenda. 

When I first met him, I already belonged to a Facebook group of classmates from secondary school, which has been a great way of keeping up with old friends.  

There’s one guy in particular who I’ve grown attached to. Two years ago his wife died of cancer, leaving him alone with three young boys. I think that brought us closer, as obviously I felt deeply for him.  

We didn’t have a lot to do with one another at school, but after his wife’s death I gave him my phone number. Now we chat for hours about all sorts when my husband is working away from home, as he does often. 

Recently we’ve been, for want of a better description, ‘talking dirty’ to each other on the phone. The first time he spoke to me in this way it came out of the blue, but I’ll be honest, it really turned me on and it didn’t take much for me to reciprocate. 

Now we have regular phone sex and this has been going on since before Christmas. Of course he wants to meet up, but I feel I couldn’t go that far as it really would feel like cheating on my husband. 

There have been a few class get-togethers but I’ve moved to the other end of the country, so it doesn’t work for me to attend these. Anyway, from his pictures I don’t really fancy this guy enough to break up my marriage.  

I know I need to stop but it feels so good. It’s like a drug – the more I have, the more I want. 

The advice: 

How would you feel if it were your husband having phone sex with an old classmate, rather than you? My betting is, you’d be distraught. 

So I wonder why you ever thought it was okay for you to cheat like this; and it is cheating, just not in the conventional way. If your husband found out, he would doubtless be just as devastated as he’d be if you were having a physical affair.  

Maybe your phone lover thinks he has a future with you, in which case you’re not being fair to him either. He’s had a tough time and so have his poor children, so let him try to rebuild his family without you as a distraction. You’ve admitted you’re not serious about him so set him free; just explain that you’ve realised you’re in too deep and need to end things. 

Put some time and energy into your marriage – not just the sex, but going on dates again and sharing time together. If you feel lonely when your husband is away, get in touch with a real friend instead of talking dirty to someone you haven’t seen for years. 

If you’re planning to have children you must be in this marriage for the long haul, so give yourself a good shake and don’t risk everything for a bit of excitement.  

You’ve got away with it so far, but you have been lucky. The time to end this crazy phone fling is now. 

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

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