I’m a 28-year-old virgin and I can’t get an erection

‘I feel almost a failure in many ways. I tried to have sex and was too nervous to do it.’

These are the words of 28-year-old data analyst Alex, who is still a virgin due to his ‘performance anxiety’ and inability to get an erection.

He’s taking part in Channel 4’s Virgin Island in hopes to conquer his erectile dysfunction and eventually have sex, but it’s far from easy.

‘Not being able to get an erection is constantly playing on my mind,’ he explains in the first episode. ‘This is something old people deal with.’

But Alex isn’t an isolated case. In fact, one in five men in the UK will experience ED, while one US study found that about 14% of men under the age of 40 have struggled to get an erection.

Doctor and psychosexual therapist, Benjamin Davis, who specialises in men’s sexual difficulties tells Metro that in younger men, erectile dysfunction may well be a result of psychological factors, while men in their 40s and 50s may be more prone to physical causes.

Of course, no two people are the same, but if you suffer with performance anxiety like Alex, we’ve got the lowdown on what could be going on inside your body, and how you might start to fix it.

Performance anxiety and shame

Dr Davis explains that behind performance anxiety, there’s usually a feeling of shame.

‘A lot of men with psychological erection problems have an internal voice of critic which kicks in when they have sex,’ he explains. ‘It relates to shame and feeling “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not loveable”.

‘Those thoughts can become very strong particularly in a sexual circumstance.’

These could stem from a traumatic memory, a relationship issue with a partner, or even from a conflict with your ‘erotic world’. This means you’re having the sex you think you should be having, but it doesn’t turn you on, the doctor adds.

This can be compounded if you’re watching all your friends lead flourishing sex lives. ‘Seeing your peers have sexual interactions amplifies the sense there’s something wrong and can fuel avoidance of sex,’ Dr Davis says.

‘If you think “I don’t want to have sex because I’m worried about something happening” it makes the fear stronger. The negative voice becomes more cruel because it’s trying to keep you safe.’

Why does this impact your erection?

Your state of mind can have a surprising amount of impact on your ability to get an erection, and there’s one main reason why.

‘If you feel a sense of dread or negative emotion, it affects your penis by increasing your adrenaline and cortisol, engaging your sympathetic fight or flight response,’ Dr Davis explains.

This response sends all the blood flow to your muscles and gets your heart to pump faster, to enable you to run from danger, for example running from a lion that’s chasing you.

‘When you’re running from a lion, you don’t need an erection, so adrenaline closes down the blood flow to the penis,’ Dr Davis adds. So, if you’re stressed or anxious you have higher levels of adrenaline and will lose the ability to get an erection.

‘A lot of men will say it feels physically wrong,’ the GP says. ‘It’s not something you can necessarily consciously control.’

How to try and overcome performance anxiety

The first step is to determine if your erection issues are truly psychological,so it may be best to contact your GP and check your hormone levels.

If it is psychological, Dr Davis says: ‘Think about good sexual experiences you’ve had before or what turns you on in your fantasy world, and think how aligned that is to the kind of sex you’re having. Is it what’s pleasurable for you?

‘A lot of men feel they should be having sex they’ve seen online in porn, but it doesn’t really turn them on.’

Another important step is to make sure you’re having sex with someone you feel safe with. Then the doctor says to ‘focus on what you can feel, rather than listen to your thoughts’.

‘Often your intrusive thoughts say “you’re not going to get an erection, it’s going to be awful, you’re going to be rejected”,’ Dr Davis says. ‘When those thoughts come into your head, bring it back to you and think “what can I feel?”‘

If you’ve never had sex, he suggests getting more familiar with your own body and thinking about what you can feel when you’re on your own. ‘This can help you feel more confident and more loving towards your body,’ he adds.

Of course, seeking professional help from a therapist will be beneficial, too, although Dr Davis realises it’s easier said than done.

‘It’s definitely a problem with which men suffer in silence,’ he says. ‘There’s so much shame around it, so getting help or talking about it can be really difficult.’

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