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Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.
This week we hear from Simran* a 24-year-old working in Delhi, who’s in a committed relationship with her boyfriend of four years, Rohit*.
She has non-penetrative sex about once a week, but has questioned if she’s on the spectrum of asexuality since 2021.
‘I find sex confusing,’ Simran says. ‘I don’t enjoy it much but I’m not averse to it – it just doesn’t matter to me a lot.’
Simran has never had penetrative sex, and also avoids it because of possible vaginismus, which has been an issue since she’s been with her boyfriend.
‘Rohit and I have tried to have intercourse but we’ve never actually done it – it’s usually painful, and his penis is also big which makes it more difficult.
‘Because I find myself caring about sex less and less, I don’t feel like addressing my vaginismus is important right now.’
Simran feels grateful to have such an understanding partner, but sometimes wishes she could have more of a sexual appetite for her his sake.
Without further ado, here’s how Simran got on this week…
The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.
Monday
I’ve been to a talk with one of my favourite authors, and Rohit picks me up from the metro. We get home and we both just want to go to sleep early.
Neither of us mention sex, plus Rohit is dealing with a UTI which is making his penis itch.
So instead, we get into bed and cuddle. I’ve been thinking about getting a sex toy for a while, as I’d like to get comfortable with penetration on my own, before actually having a penis inside me.
In bed, we decide to buy the vibrator through a delivery app, and it arrives within 15 minutes.
Rohit gets on top of me and starts kissing my breasts, gently brushing his finger over them. We take off our t-shirts and rub our genitals together, then, he pushes me back and slowly moves the new G-spot vibrator over my vagina.
With the vibrator on my clit, he puts his fingers inside me, which gives me a weird sensation with some pain. The vibrations feel very mechanical, but maybe it gets better the more you use it?
He pushes the vibrator inside me a little and it doesn’t feel pleasant, so we dry hump each other until we orgasm.
Tuesday
Sometimes I often get annoyed by how sexual our society is. The books I’m reading, the shows I watch – everything seems to make sex a major part of life. Maybe it is, but it makes me feel sad.
What is it about this act that I am not able to grasp? I mean, yes, it’s pleasurable, but I don’t see it as something necessary to life. I’ve thought about going to therapy but I’m avoiding it because, honestly, I don’t really want to have sex.
I work all day, and Rohit comes home late. I’ve got an early morning flight for a work trip, and Rohit wants to drop me off at the airport, so we both go straight to sleep.
Sometimes, I feel like he deserves better because I can’t fulfil his sexual needs, but I guess we’re truly in love. It must be love that’s keeping us together.
Wednesday
I’m on the plane and my mind drifts to what sex means for us. Rohit has expressed his disappointment with our sex life before, even though he knew about my struggles before we even made things official.
He questions if penetrative sex will ever even happen. It upsets me, but I tell him I’ll try and figure it out in future. It makes feel bad that he has to suffer, but I don’t want to be rushed into fixing it.
It’s natural for someone who desires sex to want to share it with their girlfriend of four years. Polyamory has never been an option for us – it would complicate things too much, so we’ve never felt the urge to explore it. Instead, we’ve settled on a compromise: to have sex when I can manage it and continue to try for penetration – although I’m only doing that for him.
But more than the act of penetration, it’s often my lack of interest that bothers him. I don’t show any enthusiasm for it. At least I don’t deny him outercourse.
I go to an event this evening, have a couple of drinks, and then head back to my hotel. I call Rohit on video and tell him I wish he was here with me. I love him, I just don’t care about sex.
Thursday
I meet a friend and we go to a café, before heading to a nearby karaoke bar with his friends.
I wear a black dress, a cheaper version of Skims, paired with my big glasses and Birkenstock-style flats. I feet like the perfect mix of hot, cute, and a chill girl – a better combination doesn’t exist. I miss Rohit and wish he was here to witness my hot self.
I grab a sangria at the bar, settle in and feel incredibly confident, catching the eyes of guys around me. I’m new to this city, and this bar, and the attention I get feels nice.
After being in a four-year relationship, it’s refreshing to feel like the sexy new girl and get some eyes on you. Not that I’m looking for any action, but but it’s nice to attract glances from strangers.
Friday
I fly back to Delhi this morning. I talk to Rohit on the phone and tell him about the looks I got at the bar and how it made me feel good. He validates my feelings, saying that after being in a relationship for so long, it’s nice to get attention from outside.
I get home to my flat and I’m tired, but I look at my body in the mirror and feel nice about it with this newfound confidence. I think of trying the vibrator before going to sleep.
It’s often a misconception that asexual people don’t masturbate. Asexuality is purely about having less sexual attraction and many do indulge in sexual acts to derive pleasure, depending on their spectrum position.
But then, my unwillingness to make an effort kicks in, and I go sleep without wanking.
Saturday
I wake up and masturbate without the vibrator because I’m too lazy to get it from my wardrobe. Rohit is going to come to stay with me later and I’m excited.
He still has his UTI though and I recommend he goes to see a doctor instead of waiting for it to resolve on its own.
He comes to my place and we make a plan to watch Nicole Kidman’s Babygirl. After watching it, we’re in a raunchy mood.
He pushes me on the bed, runs his lips down my back, rubs his finger on my vagina from the back like Harris Dickinson in the movie. He goes down on me and I’m a tad bit uncomfortable with it.
It just doesn’t feel pleasurable. His tongue trying to enter my hole feels awkward and, I don’t know, scary? So, I tell him to stop. I don’t enjoy the sensation, and I’m scared it will hurt.
Since he’s still got UTI symptoms, we just focus on my orgasm. He starts moving the vibrator over me and slowly trying to penetrate it inside me. I can feel my vaginal muscles contracting, forcing me to close my legs.
I don’t like the feeling and, after a minute, I start crying. He stops immediately and hugs me. I don’t have an answer to why I start crying, but it didn’t feel nice at all.
Sunday
After last night, I’m again thinking about the number of things I am uncomfortable with – sucking dick, fingering, and even kissing – everything about exchanging bodily fluids with another human gives me the ick.
It’s so strange that world obsesses over them and I feel the opposite.
We make sushi for lunch and after that, Rohit wants to paint with me, which we often like to do together. We decide to paint some flowers he got for me yesterday. In the evening we go out to watch a film.
These are the days I live for, and a good sexual interaction would be the cherry on top. I just wish we could both be on the same page to make it easier for us. But I think love doesn’t come easy.
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Bengali (Bangladesh) · 
English (United States) ·