I don’t know what my boyfriend’s job is or where he lives — but he’s my dream man

Can you ever really know the person you fall asleep next to? (Picture: Metro)

We all have secrets, but some are a whole lot bigger than others.

This week’s reader has fallen for a man who she says makes her feel like a princess. But there’s just one problem: she knows almost nothing about him.

She doesn’t know what he does for work, she’s never met his family or even been to his home.

Now, after pushing him for information but getting nowhere, she’s at the end of her tether. Should she give up and leave, or keep trying to make it work?

Check out our expert’s advice below, but before you do, take a look at last week’s dilemma, from a wife who’s thinking about putting her entire life on the line to explore a new side of herself…

The problem…

Although he denies there’s anything going on, I’m certain my boyfriend has a secret life that involves disappearing for days on end.

Whenever I try to pin him down about this strange behaviour, he just says I can’t question him about what he gets up to. He hints that he’s doing some hush-hush work that he can’t talk about, but all my friends think this is absolutely ridiculous, and ask me why I put up with it. 

I guess I put up with it because apart from his regular ‘disappearances’, he really is the man of my dreams.

He’s very tall, good looking and charming; the sex is amazing, we talk about anything and everything, and make each other laugh all the time. When we’re together, it’s as though no one else exists. 

We met at a party last summer and have been in a relationship ever since. But I have never met his family or even been to his home, and he doesn’t like coming to mine. Instead, we go to amazing hotels, where he wines and dines me, and treats me like a princess. 

He’s admitted that he has two small children, but says that he’s divorced and has nothing to do with his ex. Needless to say, whenever I’ve suggested meeting his kids in the past, he’s just made an excuse as to why it’s not possible. We’ve reached the point where I’ve given up asking. 

We don’t have the sort of relationship I want, but I’m afraid that if I push him for more, I’ll end up losing him. 

The advice

I’m not sure it would be such a great loss if you weren’t with this guy any more. So, he takes you to nice hotels, makes you laugh and is great in bed – but you clearly don’t see that as a fair exchange for being in a real relationship with him, or you wouldn’t be writing to me. 

It took you until nearly the end of your email to admit that he has children and is allegedly divorced. Does that sound right to you? It feels to me as though you’re avoiding the truth; you’re afraid to tackle him because deep down you fear he isn’t really divorced, and that when he goes ‘off grid’ he’s actually back with his family. 

Stop allowing this guy to sweet talk his way round you. It’s time to bite the bullet and ask what he sees as the future of your relationship.

Come straight out and ask him if he’s married – and be prepared for an answer you don’t want to hear. In the unlikely event that he really is single and wants something serious with you, then insist he plays a more active role in your life. 

You know you deserve better than this part-time love, so if it’s clear that things are not going to change, you need to be strong. Just tell him it’s been wonderful, but you’re looking for more. 

The first step is to free yourself to find it.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

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