Dementia left my dad lost, angry and afraid – music brought him home

Simon’s Dad, Ted has always loved to sing (Credits: Howard Walker)

Simon McDermott was washing the dishes after Christmas lunch when he realised something was wrong. His dad, Ted, pottered through from the lounge to ask Simon who had bought him the ‘excellent’ Nelson Mandela book he had just unwrapped.

‘That was from me, Dad,’ Simon replied. Two minutes later Ted returned and asked exactly the same question. And then he did it again. And again.

‘I thought he was winding me up. Then I had this feeling something wasn’t right,’ Simon, 49, tells Metro. ‘I didn’t know about dementia then, or what was coming down the line.’

Over the following months, Ted, then 76, became paranoid – firing out wild accusations that Simon was stealing from him, or that his wife, Linda, was having an affair and that the neighbours had put his beloved records in their shed.

He used his microphone wires to tie his plants and filled the garden with old washing machines, metal tables and office chairs taken from skips. If Simon tried to move them, Ted would fly into a rage. He lashed out at Linda, pulled her from her bed by her hair and ambushed Simon in the night.

Ted, Simon and Linda (Picture: Supplied)

‘Sometimes I’d wake and he’d be in front of me with his arms out,’ recalls Simon. ‘It was awful. I used to barricade myself in the spare room with my suitcase.’

By this point Simon was living in London and spending weekends in Blackburn to help his mum with the increasingly frightening episodes.

‘I was terrified. It was like living with a monster,’ he says.

Ted was never violent when Simon was growing up. He worked in factories by day and was selling out pubs, clubs and other venues performing a repertoire of show tunes, big band songs and Frank Sinatra ballads by night.

A Butlin’s redcoat in his 30s, Ted became known as the ‘Songaminute Man’ because of the many songs he could sing by heart. He was a showman with a huge personality and a quirky sense of humour. The soundtrack to Simon’s childhood was his dad
singing loudly in the lounge to his favourite records.

So when his father became angry and aggressive, Simon insisted Ted see a doctor. After 18 months of tests, in 2013, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease – the most common cause of dementia.

Ted in his singing heyday (Picture: Supplied)

‘At last we knew what it was. But 
I didn’t know anything about Alzheimer’s. You couldn’t talk about it to Dad,’ explains Simon. ‘If you even mentioned dementia he’d say, “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

‘Mum and I were just trying to get through the day and cope with the anger, taking it one day at a time, with cups of tea and biscuits.’

Simon was lost and didn’t know how to protect his mum or support his dad. After suffering panic attacks at work, help came from the Dementia Support Line.

‘As soon as the woman answered I burst into tears. She explained that all my dad’s behaviour was due to his own fear – and that changed everything. 
It gave me an understanding of what he was going through. From them I learned how to react better to his anger.’

He also discovered the healing power of music and the pair started to drive around for hours, singing loudly to Ted’s favourite tunes.

‘It calmed him. It turned him from this heavy, angry guy back into his old self. He loved it. You could tell he was completely in the moment, singing away at the top of his voice.’

Simon saw the red flags when Ted became forgetful, paranoid and uncharacteristically violent (Credits: Howard Walker)

Simon made a video of Ted singing one of his favourite songs – Quando, Quando, Quando by EngelbertHumperdinck – and put it on a Facebook page with a fundraising link for Alzheimer’s Society in 2016.

The clip went viral and he received thousands of messages. Ted secured a record deal and was given the Pride Of Britain award that year.

Together the pair have raised about £175,000 for Alzheimer’s charities and become the inspiration for a Japanese feature film yet to be released. Simon has also written a memoir about his dad and the diagnosis.

‘Alzheimer’s can take away all the light in family life and robs you of all normality. It can be quite dark. You’re losing someone in a long goodbye. But at the same time, it’s not the end of the world. It’s part of life.’

There have also been moments of real joy, such as the time Simon took Ted out in London to give Linda a break.

‘I walked him along the
South Bank and he was talking gobbledegook. I took him to the 
pub and bought him a drink and he started talking to me like a complete stranger about his wife and son, about how proud of me he 
was. We’re not a family to talk like that. It was a gift, very emotional,’ remembers Simon.

Ted records his first single with the Guy Barker Orchestra (Picture: Supplied)

‘On another occasion we were in a pub and Dad wouldn’t sit down. He kept talking to this group of workmen having a pint. He wouldn’t leave them alone. But one of them said, “Don’t worry – I know exactly what you’re going through,” then took him to the bar and had a drink with him. What a great guy.’

Ted’s illness has now progressed significantly. He is frail and confused and doesn’t always recognise Simon.

‘The main thing is that Dad is happy and safe. If you’re going through the same thing, I want you to know the universe will support you. You’re carrying a heavy burden so don’t be afraid to ask for help – and there are organisations that can support you.

‘I’ve learned so much about Dad, life and myself. It has taught me patience and mental resilience.

‘There are hard days and days when
I know I’ve made a difference. It’s put into perspective what is really important in life.’


The Songs That Saved Us: My Dad, Dementia And Me is released in paperback on June 5.