Brett Kavanaugh Hits the Street!

This summer, the Supreme Court issued an order in Noem v. Vasquez Perdomo, an “emergency docket” decision permitting Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents to continue detaining individuals in Los Angeles, based on their race or ethnicity, proficiency in Spanish, and suspicious presence near Home Depot, Beverly Hills lawns, and other hotbeds of criminal activity. Judge Maame Ewusi-Mensah Frimpong, of the federal District of Central California, had enjoined the practice on July 11. Her opinion asked and answered the question, “Is it illegal to conduct roving patrols which identify people based on race alone, aggressively question them, and then detain them without a warrant, without their consent, and without reasonable suspicion that they are without status? Yes, it is.” She issued an order forbidding ICE to detain Angelenos without “reasonable suspicion” that they—as individuals—are unlawfully present in the U.S., without relying on broad criteria like race and ethnicity, speaking Spanish, speaking English with an accent, or nearness to sites where undocumented workers gather.

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem had rushed an “emergency” appeal to the Supreme Court, warning of dire consequences if DHS were to miss a day of its Los Angeles sweeps. On Monday, the Court, 6-3, granted Noem’s request. Though the Court made no explanation of its ruling, the ever-helpful Justice Brett Kavanaugh explained, drawing on information no doubt acquired from thorough discussions at the Yale Club, that individuals not legally in the United States had no “particularly substantial” interest in not being arrested based on race or ethnicity alone. At the same time, actual citizens who are stopped because of their appearance, language, or work will suffer no inconvenience because “the questioning in those circumstances is typically brief, and those individuals may promptly go free.”

It was a masterful display of Kavanaugh’s empathy with ordinary Americans and the scrupulous practices of ICE and other federal agencies. Here is one encounter between ICE and a citizen that Kavanaugh relied upon:

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THE SCENE: A shaded boulevard in the City of Angels, where Americans of all races, colors, creeds pass freely, their happy expressions demonstrating that they enjoy their God-given liberty protected by the U.S. Constitution and the ever-vigilant courts.

ENTER DUDLEY FREEZERIGHT, a highly trained ICE operative protecting Americans from being murdered in their beds or crowded out of lucrative dishwashing jobs by the invasion of aliens. FREEZERIGHT spies a Hispanic Appearing Person strolling near a car wash.

FREEZERIGHT (DF): Well met, Hispanic appearing person! May I converse with thee?

HISPANIC APPEARING PERSON (HAP): Of course, my dear chap! It is not as if I have something to hide or if I might resent being briefly detained in a fashion that may make me late for work simply because of how I look, which even I must admit has a certain raffish subtropical quality. I know your intention is noble, and this could never end with me being sent to a supermax prison in a third country. What is the nature of your inquiry?

DF: I am an operative of ICE, an agency of which you are undoubtedly an admirer..

HAP: I surmised as much from the mask obscuring your features and the body armor you wear, even though the temperature is quite pleasant.

DF: Would it, by chance, be the case that you are a foreign national present in the United States without appropriate documentation? Perhaps you engage in work that is not otherwise permitted by your visa status?

DF: I am so glad you asked, nameless officer with black tape covering his name. Thank you for your service! As it happens, I am, like most real Americans, carrying my citizenship documents and my passport, which, as you will see, indicate that I am an American citizen by birth.

DF: Such appears to be the case for now, though I encourage you to keep a wary eye on our Supreme Court.  Who knows what those scamps will get up to about birthright citizenship later in the Term?

BOTH: Ha! Ha! Ha!

DF: At any rate, you appear to be blameless as far as illegal presence in the U.S. is concerned. I say, would it be unreasonable of me to ask you to remain where you are while I take care of an administrative matter?

HAP: Not at all, my friend. It is, after all, nothing short of my civic duty to cooperate with your benevolent operation.

DF: Quite so.

DF BRIEFLY EXITS TO SMASH A CAR WINDOW, DRAG A TEENAGER OUT, AND HUSTLE HIM INTO AN UNMARKED VAN.

DF: Now, where were we? Oh, yes, I wish to subject you to a harmless and not-at-all threatening interrogation during our brief encounter.

HAP: It is good of you to ask. In what way can I help?

DF: Is any member of your immediate family or household in such a compromised status that it might behoove me and my fellow officers to pay them a visit?

HAP: Indeed, not so, we are Americans with nothing to hide.

DF: Naturally, I will take your word. Before we conclude this pleasant interaction, would you excuse me? One of my colleagues has been cruelly lashed with a Subway sandwich, and we must arrest the miscreant for assault with a deli weapon and intent to cause grievous bodily ham.

HE EXITS, THROWING THE SANDWICH FLINGER INTO THE SAME VAN, HOPING A GRAND JURY WILL INDICT THE SUSPECT AND HIS HAM SANDWICH, PROVING THE OLD MAXIM TO BE TRUE

DF: Well, that concludes this pleasant encounter. We at ICE thank you for your patriotism and hard work, and encourage you to report any suspicious activity or undocumented persons.

HAP: I shall not fail in my duty.

BOTH CONTINUE ON THEIR RESPECTIVE PATHS. FREEZE-RIGHT PAUSES BRIEFLY TO KNOCK A GRUBHUB DELIVERER OFF HIS BICYCLE.

ENTER NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS DISPATCHED FROM LOUISIANA WHO HAVE LITTLE ELSE TO DO DURING ITS HURRICANE SEASON. THE GUARDSMEN MAKE SURE THAT NO CAR WASH ON WILSHIRE BOULEVARD IS HARBORING A FUGITIVE. ALL IS WELL.

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