A Complete Beginner's Guide To Exploring BDSM – Plus, Essential Starter Kits To Buy

For a long time, there’s been a misconception that BDSM (bondage, dominance, sadism, submission, and masochism) is some kind of niche sexual fantasy.

Well, folks, I’m here to tell you that that is well and truly wrong. In fact, research shows that almost half (46%) of people have ever tried it, while an additional 22% have experienced fantasies about it.

If you so happen to fall into that category, you’ve come to the right place.

While BDSM has been increasingly romanticised in media over the last decade or so (think: Pillion, Fifty Shades of Grey, I could go on...) there is no handbook for how to get into it.

But some of the acts within BDSM come with risks, so to help you embark on your journey, we’ve consulted the experts for some beginner-friendly guidance. 

We’ve also rounded up the best BDSM sex toys to get started with, from handcuffs to beginner BDSM sets.

1. Communicate

As with anything sexual, it all starts with talking to your partner about your desires. “Talk about what you’ve fantasised about, what you’re not willing to explore and what you want to try together,” advised Tim Lagman, resident expert at sex toy store, pjur.

These conversations should also include ‘housekeeping rules’ like boundaries, hard limits, words that are triggering, and what you want to gain from the experience, according to Courtney Boyer, pjur’s resident clinical sex educator.

“These kinds of conversations beforehand often create more intimacy than the activity itself because it builds trust and emotional safety,” she explained.

Communication is particularly important because two thirds of women have had non-consensual experiences with BDSM acts, so you’ll want to make sure all parties are equally game for what you’re about to try out.

2. Do your research

If you’re not sure what kind of fantasies you’re into, but want to try something new, you might want to explore BDSM communities such as FetLife to see what people are talking about, or watch ethical porn to get some ideas.

“You don’t have to earn a place in the kink community by trying the most extreme thing you can imagine,” Boyer explained.

“Ask yourself what genuinely sparks your curiosity rather than what you think you’re supposed to enjoy. Following your own desire, instead of someone else’s expectations, makes the experience far more enjoyable.”

3. Start slow

If you’re completely new to BDSM, you might want to start by exploring one aspect at a time. This isn’t a race – so there’s no pressure to jump into anything straight away.

“Trying impact play, bondage, sensory deprivation, dirty talk, and power exchange all in one evening can quickly become overwhelming,” Boyer noted.

“Pick one new experience, keep it simple, and give yourselves permission to learn together.”

Low-intensity play is a great place to start, suggested Lagman. This could include removing one of your senses, such as your vision, with an eye mask, and experimenting with new sensations.

“Feathers, silky fabric, or even an ice cube can change how someone experiences touch,” Lagman said.

“Removing one sense can heighten another, making a familiar experience feel brand new. Starting slow also allows you to discover what excites you before investing in more expensive toys. 

“If you’re using toys as part of the experience, pjur Toy Lube can help enhance the experience by giving your toys a slippery feel to enhance your sensation play.”

Best toys for sensory play

4. Heat things up

Once you’ve experimented with removing one of your senses, you might want to move on to other aspects of BDSM.

“BDSM includes an enormous range of experiences like blindfolds, temperature play, role play, and even a massage,” explained Lagman. “Sometimes the anticipation is more exciting than the intensity.”

Best sex toys for temperature play, massage, and sensory play

5. Consider safety

If you are going to explore anything like rope tying, choking or impact play, it’s important to learn the safest way of engaging in these activities.

Websites like Beducated have great beginner courses for these activities. And remember: practise makes perfect, and that doesn’t mean you have to push your body to the extreme.

“Whether you’re experimenting with cuffs, sleeves, or other BDSM accessories, your body should never have to fight against the gear you’re using,” Boyer said.

Best sex toys for bondage

Best BDSM sets for beginners

Another fun way to explore BDSM is to buy a sex toy set and figure out how to use it together, using the expert tips above.

You don’t have to dive into anything extreme straight off the bat, but if you want to then at least you’ll have the option.

6. Don’t forget aftercare

We’re always talking about foreplay (as we should be) but aftercare is just as important and fun – especially when exploring BDSM.

“Aftercare is intentionally reconnecting once the scene ends to help you get back to the real world slowly and gently,” Lagman explained.

“This could mean cuddling, watching TV together, spending time together quietly, being alone. Take as much time as you need to ground yourself. Some people need five minutes, others need five days. Both are okay.”