52 Funny Retirement Quotes: Short and Hilarious Sayings That Will Make You Laugh

Retirement.

A big change. A new adventure.

Exciting but maybe also a bit daunting and uncertain.

To help you out with that I’d like to share 52 of the most witty, hilarious and funny retirement quotes.

I hope you’ll find something here that will make you laugh, relax and maybe release a bit of stress and uncertainty about this brand new chapter in your life.

Funny Retirement Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

“Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.”
– Gene Perret

“In retirement, every day is Boss Day and every day is Employee Appreciation Day.”
– Terri Guillemets

“When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.”
– Chi Chi Rodriguez

“There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”
– Bill Watterson

“I’m retired – goodbye tension, hello pension!”
– Unknown

“I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy.”
– Danny McGoorty

“I would like to extend my condolences to your employer for the devastating loss. Happy retirement!”
– Unknown

“When you retire, you switch bosses – from the one who hired you to the one who married you.”
– Gene Perret

“There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working.”
– Robert Half

“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.”
– Abe Lemons

“I’m not just retiring from the company, I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.”
– Hartman Jule

“A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.”
– Ella Harris

“Yes,” he laughed, “I’ve been attending lots of seminars in my retirement. They’re called naps.”
– Terri Guillemets

“I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day.”
– Gene Perret

“Instead of saving for someone else’s college education, I’m currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.”
– Jen Kirkman

“Retirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy these years to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.”
– Jonathan Clements

“My retirement plan is to get thrown into a minimum security prison in Hawaii.”
– Julius Sharpe

“I’m tired of retirement jokes. I retired my hearing aid, my teeth, and the mortgage. The only thing left is my breath.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.”
– Gene Perret

“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.”
– Bob Hope

Hilarious Retirement Sayings and Wishes With Lots of Humor

“Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren’t going to get rid of me that way.”
– Betty White

“Retirement adds 5 days to your weekend! Enjoy it!”
– Unknown

“You don’t stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.”
– George Bernard Shaw

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain

“Some of the best memories are made in flip flops.”
– Kellie Elmore

“Retirement: that’s when you return from work one day and say ‘hi honey, I’m home – forever’.”
– Gene Perret

“My retirement plan is to get thrown off the golf course.”
– Rory McIlroy

“Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.”
– C.S. Lewis

“Don’t simply retire from something; have something to retire to.”
– Henry Emerson Fosdick

“We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.”
– Vince Lombardi

“Every day is a chance to begin again.”
– Catherine Pulsifer

“Often when you think you’re at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else.”
– Fred Rogers

“Retire from work, but not from life.”
– M.K. Soni

“Our ultimate goal, after all, is not a good death but a good life to the very end.”
– Atul Gawande

“If all the economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.”
– George Bernard Shaw

“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.”
– Robert Benchley

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”
– C.S. Lewis

“The purpose of life is to find your gift. The meaning of life is to give it away.”
– Shulamit Ambalu

“You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.”
– George Burns

Short and Funny Retirement Sayings

“The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.”
– George Foreman

“I have four kids, seven grandkids, and four great-grandkids. Maybe I can become a great-great-grandfather if I hang on!”
– Dick Van Dyke

“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.”
– Robert Benchley

“Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.”
– Bob Simmons

“Finish last in your league, and they call you an idiot. Finish last in medical school, and they call you doctor.”
– Abe Lemons

“Retirement is not the end of the road. It is the beginning of the open highway.”
– Terrence H. Seamon

“It is our habits that determine how we age, not our genes.”
– Steven R. Gundry

“The only thing better than a good education is a good retirement!”
– Franklin P. Adams

“Spreading sheets sounds more appealing than a spreadsheet.”
– Unknown

“The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.”
– Sam Williams

“He who laughs last at the boss’s jokes probably isn’t far from retirement.”
– Unknown

“I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.”
– Roger Steves

“What do you call a person who is happy on a Monday? Retired.”
– Unknown

Want more funny quotes about life? Then have a look at these funny love quotes, the hilarious quotes about life here and also these funny friendship quotes.