101 Funny Christmas Quotes for Your Friends, Family and Instagram (and Less Stress)

Christmas is here (or at least soon, depending on what day you’re reading this).

A time of the year that can be joyful and peaceful. But also stressful as you still have plenty of shopping, cooking and cleaning to do.

So to help you to keep this holiday lighter and less stressful I’d like to share 101 funny Christmas quotes in today’s post.

I hope you’ll find something here to relieve some of that inner pressure and stress that both you and your friends, family and boyfriend or girlfriend might be feeling.

So that you all can enjoy Christmas more fully.

Funny Christmas Quotes and Sayings

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.”
– Shirley Temple

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”
– Andy Borowitz

“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.”
– Phyllis Diller

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.”
– Henry Youngman

“Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.”
– Stephen Graham Jones

“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”
– Kin Hubbard

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”
– Larry Wilde

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.'”
– Bernard Manning

“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.”
– Wendy Cope

“Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.”
– Matt Bellassai

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
– Johnny Carson

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
– Victor Borge

“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”
– Don Marquis

“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”
– Henny Youngman

“Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year… Okay, most of the time… Once in a while… Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.”
– Dave Chappelle

“Christmas is really for children. But we adults can enjoy it too, until the credit card bills arrive.”
– Melanie White

“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. Except my bank account.”
– Carrie Fisher

“Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.”
– Jim Gaffigan

“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. And then immediately apologizing to everyone around you.”
– Bill Murray

Funny Christmas Quotes for Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend

“All I want for Christmas is you… to gain weight with me.”
– Mindy Kaling

“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.”
– Robert Paul

“The best present on Christmas is spending time with the one you love while wearing matching ugly sweaters.”
– Tina Fey

“I love you more than Santa loves cookies, and that’s saying something.”
– Jennifer Weiner

“If kisses were snowflakes, I’d send you a blizzard.”
– Christina Lauren

“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Rainbow Rowell

“You put the ‘merry’ in my Christmas, and the ‘happy’ in my holidays.”
– David Sedaris

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
– Garrison Keillor

“Relationships are like Christmas lights: they look like a tangled mess when stored away, half of them don’t work, and finding the one that does is worth the effort.”
– Taylor Jenkins Reid

“Let’s cuddle and watch Christmas movies until we forget what day it is.”
– Jenny Han

“My idea of Christmas is having you under the mistletoe at every chance I get.”
– Nicholas Sparks

“There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.”
– Dan Florence

“Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth sweetening every taste bud, making you wish it could last forever. And me? I’m like fruitcake – you either love me or hate me.”
– Chelsea Handler

“Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.”
– Gary Allan

“The only time of year I don’t need an excuse to kiss you under random decorations.”
– Sophie Kinsella

“You’re the holiday spirit I don’t want to return.”
– John Green

“I got you a present, but I ate it. Sorry, not sorry.”
– Amy Schumer

“The best gift around the Christmas tree is the presence of family wrapped in love. But your gift better be good too.”
– Karen Helton

“Christmas magic is silent. You don’t hear it – you feel it, you know it, you believe it. Kind of like how I feel about you.”
– Rhonda Byrne

“You’re the jingle to my bells.”
– Lauren Blakely

“The best Christmas gift is me. Unfortunately, I couldn’t fit in the stocking.”
– Sarah Dessen

Funny Christmas Quotes for Instagram and Your Christmas Cards

“Dear Santa, define ‘good.'”
– Sarah Morgan

“All I want for Christmas is a six-month vacation… twice a year.”
– Lucy Score

“It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas!”
– Catherine Ryan Hyde

“It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”
– Emma Chase

“Christmas calories don’t count. That’s why Santa is fat.”
– Debbie Macomber

“Christmas is mostly for children. But we adults can enjoy it too, until the credit card bills arrive.”
– Unknown

“Deck the halls with lots of selfies, fa la la la la, la la la la!”
– Rainbow Rowell

“May your Christmas be filled with laughter, love, and leftover pie for breakfast.”
– Jenny Holiday

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.”
– Dave Barry

“This holiday season, let’s make it our mission to eat more pie than last year. We can do this!”
– Kristin Hannah

“May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be spent in pajamas.”
– Sophie Hannah

“Dear Santa, I can explain…”
– Meg Cabot

“The best present under the tree is a nap. Change my mind.”
– Beth O’Leary

“Christmas is getting all you can get while the getting is good.”
– Sally Brown (from A Charlie Brown Christmas)

“Dear Santa, I was framed!”
– Jill Shalvis

“This year, let’s get the ‘present’ right and worry about the ‘future’ later.”
– Lucy Parker

“Christmas cheer? I thought you said Christmas beer.”
– Elle Kennedy

“Santa saw your Instagram posts. You’re getting a Bible and coal.”
– Christina Lauren

“If you see me eating Christmas cookies this month, mind your own business. I’m on a holiday diet.”
– Tessa Bailey

Funny Christmas Quotes to Friends

“One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair.”
– Helen Fielding

“Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home.”
– Carol Nelson

“A friend is like a Christmas miracle: rare, wonderful, and best enjoyed with cookies.”
– Jojo Moyes

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”
– Marian Keyes

“My friend’s idea of being festive is wearing a red sweater instead of black.”
– Colleen Hoover

“Christmas is a time to appreciate the original friend request – the one Mary got from the angel.”
– Beth O’Leary

“A true friend helps you wrap presents, a best friend helps you wrap the ones for their own gift.”
– Christina Lauren

“The phrase ‘Merry Christmas’ has 86,400 interpretations among friends. Yours is probably the weirdest.”
– Taylor Jenkins Reid

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.”
– Matt Groening

“It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”
– Milton Berle

“The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can’t charge it.”
– Bill Vaughan

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”
– Winston Spear

“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.”
– Andy Borowitz

“Santa Claus wears a red suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist.”
– Arlo Guthrie

“Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.”
– Erma Bombeck

“The older you get, the harder it is to find someone who gives a damn about Christmas as much as you do.”
– Sophie Kinsella

“Christmas is the time to tell your friends they’re all terrible gift-givers, but you love them anyway.”
– Emily Henry

“Remember, if Christmas isn’t found in your heart, you won’t find it under a tree. But checking both places doesn’t hurt.”
– Kristen Ashley

“Friends are the family you choose, especially when they help you hide the evidence of Christmas shopping.”
– Sally Thorne

Short and Funny Christmas Quotes for Your Letterboard 

“Believe in Santa at your own risk.”
– Rita Rudner

“Coffee first, Christmas second.”
– Jill Shalvis

“Ho Ho Holy expensive!”
– Christina Lauren

“Naughty is the new nice.”
– Emily Henry

“Christmas calories don’t count.”
– Debbie Macomber

“Dear Santa, send help.”
– Colleen Hoover

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
– Phyllis Diller

“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Lucy Parker

“Silent night? Not at this party!”
– Tessa Bailey

“Keep calm and pretend it’s Christmas.”
– Jenny Holiday

“Mistletoe and wine make everything fine.”
– Sarah Morgan

“Christmas chaos coordinator.”
– Beth O’Leary

“This is my Christmas pajama.”
– Unknown

“Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.”
– Ellen DeGeneres

“Eat, drink, and be broke.”
– Elle Kennedy

“I’m dreaming of a wine Christmas.”
– Jasmine Guillory

“Feast mode activated.”
– Helen Hoang

“Dear Santa, I’ve been good-ish.”
– Sophie Kinsella

“Deck the halls with lots of shopping.”
– Lucy Score

Want more inspiration for a fun and joyful Christmas? Check out these 101 inspirational Christmas quotes and also the 120 short Christmas quotes in this post.